I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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