i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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