i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
