I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
