I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
