I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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