He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We are two peas in an std pod
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
