Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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