Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
