i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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