every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize