So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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