So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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