Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize