You're earring is so big in my mouth
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
