Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
