come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
