You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
