bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
