Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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