I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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