Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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