Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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