I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize