I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
