Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
