my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Boobs speak an international language.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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