The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
