I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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