Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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