when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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