You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
