I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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