i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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