All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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