Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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