I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize