I cockslap morals
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
