In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
