And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
