Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
