any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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