4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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