You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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