Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
