I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
