Screwed.edu
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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