11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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