Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He kissed a someone with a penis
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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