Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
