As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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