If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize