This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize