You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
