oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
