I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
