Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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