She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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