Fuck appropriateness.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
