He is an equal opportunity slut.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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